41. You’re Going the Wrong Way! 5 Reasons I Left Panama & Returned to the U.S.
You're Going the Wrong Way
5 reasons I left Panama after four years and returned to the U.S.—and why "the wrong way" for you might be exactly the right way for me.
When I began telling people I was leaving Panama after four years to return to the United States, most looked at me as though I'd lost my mind.
"Wait, what...you're going back? Why???"
"People are doing anything to get out of the U.S....you're going the wrong way!"
I get it! 😆 On the surface, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially considering my sweet house with a mind blowing view and incredible setting.
But, those who really know me totally understood my decision.
My reasons are very personal, but I think helpful for others.
People are funny, especially expats. My decision threatens some of them, so they try to debate or dismiss me.
Let me be clear...
I'm not here to start a debate. I'm not asking for opinions or feedback or any version of "You should've just..."
What may seem like the "wrong" way to you may be exactly what's right for someone else.
We all get one life, and we all make choices that fit us. This blog is just me sharing my whole story of expat life in Panama—just like I always have.
My aim is not to convince anyone that Panama isn't the right place for them. It's about helping others by bringing to light something they might have overlooked (I would have SO appreciated reading something like this when I was making life altering decisions!).
The Mitigating Factors
There were some big-picture things that made my life in Panama harder than it needed to be. If even one of these had been different, I might have lasted longer. But, together? It became really tough.
Having ADHD
One of the biggest lessons I learned in Panama is that I have ADHD, and that, for me, option and stimulation aren't optional—they're absolutely necessary for my mental health.
Here's something I read that encapsulates my experience with ADHD in Panama:
"People with ADHD often have a low tolerance for boredom and high sensitivity to stimulation—especially emotional or novelty-driven stimulation. That can look like:
- Craving deep connection and big love (not small talk or surface relationships).
- Feeling more alive in chaos or adventure than in routine or calm.
- Feeling "flat" or even depressed when life slows down too much.
- Constantly seeking a mission or purpose that matters—something bigger than yourself.
This isn't always a flaw. Many people with ADHD have huge hearts and creative minds. But in the wrong environment (especially one that's too predictable or isolating), the restlessness can start to feel like a void."
As I discuss below, I didn't start meeting women who were interested in deeper connections until my last six months. While I most definitely need and appreciate periods of stillness and simplicity, the abundance of it began to chip away at me. After I decided not to move forward with the nature and book retreat, I really began to struggle.
A Strained Relationship
My partner and I didn't have a healthy relationship to begin with. Add to that the stress of:
- Moving to a foreign country
- Building a house
- Living off-grid (no power or reliable internet for ONE year! 😅)
- Being scammed by someone we trusted
...and things went from strained to broken.
Navigating expat life is already intense—doing it without a supportive partnership makes it completely overwhelming.
An Isolated Location (in Panama)
I lived on the Azuero Peninsula—absolutely stunning, but also remote. The closest small town was 40 minutes away. A mid-sized town? 2 hours. The city? Six hours.
That isolation made every little task feel huge. Groceries. Healthcare. Seeing friends. At first, I thought this was exactly what I wanted—one of my ADHD traits is not really fully comprehending how something will actually impact me until I experience it firsthand.
Over time, this eventually contributed to wearing me down.
An Awesome Location (in the U.S.)
I'm incredibly fortunate to be from San Diego and to own my home with a remarkably low mortgage payment. This made returning not only desirable, but financially feasible.
The 5 Main Reasons I Came Back
Each of these reasons tugged at my heart in its own way and significantly contributed to my longing for home. They are listed approximately in order of importance.
I Missed My Daughter. Deeply.
This reason could honestly stand alone.
My daughter and I have always been extremely close. Not in a clingy way—in a healthy, loving and soul-connected way. Although I was plagued by "mom guilt" when I left, I truly thought I could handle the distance, especially since we planned (and stuck to) twice yearly visits and regular phone calls.
But, what I learned over this past four years was this—she is my "why" in life. Not a man, not nature, not another country.
Our coffee dates, thrift store runs, walking the dogs, laughing over dinner, spontaneous outings...these aren't little things. They are everything to me.
Since I've been back, I got to see her boyfriend graduate from the Lifeguard Academy, our dogs have played together, we've found the coolest stuff for our respective houses and closets at local thrift stores, and we've eaten several dinners together.
My mama heart is SO full. ❤️
Something to think about: What's your "why"? Are you able to bring it with you? If not, think long and hard about the reality of leaving it behind. When the honeymoon period is over, you may miss it very much!
My Social Circle Was Way Too Small.
I figured a place full of other expats would be brimming with open-minded, adventurous people ready for deep conversations and meaningful connections.
Unfortunately, the circle I fell into felt a lot more like a high school clique.
Only open to new members who check their specific boxes. Way too much time spent on gossiping. Lots of alcohol.
This just wasn't my tribe so I really struggled.
I'm SUPER picky about who I spend time with at this point in my life. I'm in a place where I have zero desire for surface-level relationships, drama and dysfunction.
Thanks to the Law of Murphy, toward the end of my time in Panama, the new expat arrivals were my tribe. I started connecting with some amazing women. If we'd met sooner, this wouldn't have been one of my reasons!
Since I've been back in the U.S., my social bucket is overflowing. So...many...wonderful opportunities to meet quality people. Between reconnecting with former friends, Meetup and Bumble Friends, I don't have enough time to savor them all...and I couldn't be happier!
Something to think about: Life in the countryside as an expat usually means a much smaller social circle. How do you think this will impact you? Will you thrive without a big community or social options?
I Missed My Favorite Physical Activities.
Where I lived in Panama, surfing, jujitsu, and yoga were big. That's cool—just not for me.
I'm a walker. A hiker. A casual cyclist. Walking was possible, but the options were extremely limited (see Mitigating Factor #1 😆); the latter two weren't safe or easy to do near my home.
I didn't realize just how important these activities were to me...until they were virtually gone. It eventually took a toll on my mental and physical health.
I gained weight and my spark faded.
Since I've been back, my snug jeans are now loose and my mood is back to being bright again. Most importantly, my soul feels like it's in the right place.
(I'm also thrilled to get back to my other hobbies, including interior decorating, and start a new one...crocheting!)
Something to think about: What are your primary activities? Will you be able to continue to do them in Panama? Don't minimize the impact of losing them. Do take them into consideration when choosing a specific location to live!
Food Options Were Too Limited.
Quality (not fancy) food, both in the grocery store and restaurants, makes my soul joyful.
I eat gluten- and dairy-free as much as possible. I crave variety, fresh ingredients, interesting flavor profiles.
On the Azuero, this was a challenge (although better than most other areas in the country).
Still, quality restaurant options are slim. There are only a few grocery stores with limited inventory.
Of the available veggies, several were odd...nothing like what I ate in the U.S. The sweet potatoes (a huge favorite) were gluey, the spinach was thicker and tougher.
I had no desire to take on the work of growing my own food...(although I had fantasized about it, I've come to accept that gardening is definitely not one of my hobbies!).
I missed Trader Joe's like the hottest of my long-lost lovers. 😆
Since I've been back in San Diego, I've been savoring every single culinary option at my fingertips—Trader Joe's, the little Mexican produce store around the corner, the authentic Mexican fast food joint across the street, and the countless coffee shops (all of whom offer decaf coffee!) within walking distance of my house.
The Language Barrier
I made a solid effort to learn Spanish considering I was working full-time until my last year, at first by studying, then by pushing myself to speak with locals as much as possible.
I could get by. But, it was exhausting...and eventually contributed to a feeling of isolation.
Banking. Doctor visits. Shopping. Everything that is a no-brainer for me in the states was way harder than it needed to be.
I'm just at a point in my life where I want (need!) ease. I've worked hard my entire life, sacrificed too much for others, and truly deserve some serious "self" centered time.
I don't want to spend my finite amount of free time struggling to master another language. Not because I'm lazy, but because I am choosing to cherish myself.
Now that I'm back in the U.S., I have the utmost of empathy and respect for the immigrants around me. Being in San Diego, I hear almost as much Spanish as I did where I lived in Panama...and I want to hug every one of them (but I restrain myself 😆).
Am I Really Going the Wrong Way?
Am I really going the wrong way? If you're only looking at the political state of the U.S. right now, maybe.
But, if you look at all of the other layers, it feels like the perfect direction for me. I'm a nature-loving urban "girl" who needs options...and would live in a war zone to be near my daughter!
Have you ever made a move that others didn't understand—but your soul did? At this point, I'm used to walking to the beat of my own drum so I no longer need to be understood. 😆
I'm still a legal resident of Panama and I still love it. There will be return trips in the future!
I learned SO much during my four years living there. I grew in ways I never expected. Although I'd made some different decisions based on what I know now, I absolutely don't regret going.
But, I'm also not romanticizing it. Expat life isn't the magic fix for everyone. It depends on your circumstances, your needs, your wiring, your people.
If you're thinking about becoming an expat, I hope this blog helps you take a step away from just viewing it as an escape route (whether it's politics, cost of living, whatever you're trying to escape) and gives you a fuller picture—not just of Panama, but of what it really can mean to leave your home.
— Operation Expat
The dream vs. the reality
To see just how wide the swing was, go back to where it all started—my second blog post, written when Panama was still the dream I was chasing. The honeymoon period is REAL!
Read where it began →Subscribe to the Operation Expat Newsletter so you move to Panama with your eyes wide open! →
Do you have any concerns after reading this post? Click GET STARTED and I'll try and help you work through it.
