Here's a LIGHTHEARTED list of all things I learned in my 4-1/2 years living life in Panama (#CultureShock):

1. The best way to preserve your sanity is to lose ALL expectations.

2. Never assume you'll be taking a HOT shower (even if you're at a fancy hotel).

3. "Panama Time" is real…most of the time it's a blessing, occasionally it's a pain in the ass.

4. How to run a generator.

5. Always bring some tissue with you because you may not find it in every Panamanian bathroom.

6. The actual purpose of surge protectors and voltage regulators.

7. Never zone out while driving or you might miss that parked car, sleeping dog, massive pothole, herd of cows or car-totaling speed bump smack in the middle of the road.

8. Even though the label on the product is the same, it's probably not. (This applies to just about everything.)

9. Things aren't as inexpensive here as I had hoped.

10. Many of the expats who live here aren't very curious or adventurous...and tend to stay put in their expat bubble. Some are downright curious characters!

11. No matter how adamant a local is that something is going to happen or get properly fixed, don't believe it until it actually happens or gets fixed. (See #3)

12. Always make sure your mobile phone is fully charged when you leave the house.

13. Never, ever tell a Panamanian "No hurry!"

14. It's not as easy as you might think to find peace and tranquility in Panamá. (Jake brakes, fireworks and giant boom boxes are everywhere at all times.)

15. With little exception, Panamanians don't knock on doors…they either stay in their car and honk or stand near the door and shout "Buenas!". If you don't come out, they leave.

16. If you use a water bottle, sterilize it at least once a week or you'll be sorry.

17. There are plants and creatures here that can wreck you so if you have no option but to go off the trail or road, do it in long pants.

18. Pre-inspect the spot you plan on sitting outside VERY closely.

19. According to Panamanians, they have a winter.

20. Even if you're just driving up the road, see #12...and bring enough water, snacks, meds (and toilet paper!) to get you through a minimum of 6 hours. A book is nice, too.

21. Don't bother trying to joke if you aren't exceptional at Spanish…it probably won't translate.

22. When outside of Panama City, plan on greeting everyone you encounter. (This is one of the most endearing things about Panamá ❤️)

23. Begin every text with a greeting...even if it's only been a day since your last text.

24. Don't buy a used car sight unseen (unless it's from a meticulous expat).

25. No matter how cute they look, do NOT pick up the toads or caterpillars.

26. If you still care what people think about you, life will be extra challenging here.

27. Never wear a tank top or flip flops into a government office.

28. Chitras (AKA no-see-ums) are the spawn of Satan.

29. The sweet potatoes and spinach are NOT the same here.

30. Gas dryers in Panamá look like they're on fire when they are working as intended.

31. Towns that are close together can have completely different vibes.

32. Ask for forgiveness, not permission. (I'm no longer a neurotic rule follower!)

33. EVERYTHING has to be notarized in order to be considered "official."

34. Notaries do NOT make copies of the paper(s) you need notarized...that's your job.

35. If you find a qualified car mechanic, bring him gifts often. They are as important as doctors if you live in the country!

36. Using a $50 or $100 bill is no easy feat and may require serious vetting!

37. Life is not really simpler here...it's different.

38. Make sure you have a good translator, a great attorney and, if you will be running a business, an excellent accountant.

39. Most accountants here don't speak English.

40. Get used to having some level of sweat on your body at some point every day.

41. If you feel something crawling on you, don't just brush it away without checking to see what it is first.

42. Relax, you don't have to give up Amazon…you'll just pay about $3/pound to have it shipped to you.

43. It's just not a good idea to walk barefoot into a dark room or put on your shoes without checking them first.

44. Ask for help…both Panamanians and fellow expats genuinely like to lend a hand here.

45. Honking horns is a love language here. Don't bring your negativity to it!

46. Before you get in a taxi in Panama City, you need to agree on the fare…check the price on Uber before they arrive, so you're empowered to negotiate.

47. WhatsApp is more important than Facebook in Panamá. Look for all the WhatsApp Groups where you settle down to stay in the loop.

48. Most of the grocery stores are owned by Chinese people and are known as "Chinos."

49. While "all natural" is a solid goal, it doesn't always cut it here…especially when it comes to deodorant and bug spray.

50. Eat at the local fondas for the best deals, but don't expect any culinary creativity. Plantains will always be part of the meal.

51. 99.9% of the fondas have the same menu choices and much of it is fried.

52. As helpful as the online expat groups are, you absolutely do NOT know the real deal until your boots are on the ground here.

53. If you're buying any real estate, do some R&D on the reputation of the seller AND the original builder if you're buying a house. And, use both a LICENSED real estate agent and solid attorney through the entire process. 

54. It's entirely possible for something to be deeply appreciated AND annoying as f*ck (like bats, for instance).

55. It's often safer to walk in the street than on the sidewalk.

56. Never leave the window in your house or car open when you're not in it...even if you'll only be 10 minutes

57. If you live outside of the city, it's very likely the days of flushing toilet paper are over.

58. Dab, don't wipe…the toilet paper here starts breaking down before it hits the water.

59. Invest in a bathroom trash that has a cover and a foot pedal.

60. Several drops of essential oil on a cotton ball improves the situation created by #57.

61. A basic understanding of the mechanics of your car will save you a lot of grief.

62. Even though the Chino stores have meat, it's in your best interest to choose it carefully or pay the consequences. Better yet, pay a bit more and get it from a butcher.

63. It's super important to hire the right person for the job or you may just be paying the wrong person to f*ck it up even more.

64. The cliché is true...birds of a feather really do flock together. Every community has its own unique personality. 

65. Always make sure you have flashlights and lanterns on hand and enough batteries to keep them working indefinitely.

66. Food will stay cold in a fridge and frozen in a freezer for a long time if you don't open the door.

67. Don't throw ANY food waste in the trash unless it's being collected that day. (If you have one, give your garbage disposal a hug today.)

68. Improvising, substituting, letting go, and doing without are super powers here.

69. If you are coming from a place where pedestrians have the right-of-way, it's time to reeducate yourself or you WILL get hit by a car.

70. You really don't need to bring all the clothes you think you need.

71. To minimize mental trauma and significant physical challenges, only rent from Airbnb Superhosts whenever possible. Even then, you may still be challenged at the least and traumatized at worst.

72. Even necklaces can grow mold here.

73. Trash day is like a mini-holiday.

74. Being a good driver somewhere else does not make you a good driver here.

75. Ceiling fans and pedestal fans are absolute treasures.

76. Once bats get into your roof, it's almost impossible to get them out.

77. Garlic doesn't grow well here, is actually made in China, and is no bueno (it's likely bleached and has a funny aftertaste).

78. Shake everything out before you let it touch your body.

79. They may look sweet, but mama cows can (and will) kill you to protect their babies.

80. When you buy a used car from a dealer, you get a 6 month warranty whether it's mentioned or not.

81. The stars are more beautiful in Panamá.

82. Panamá is the land of roadside trenches and they haven't yet grasped the value of a shoulder.

83. If you want to be 100% sure your produce is organic, you'll need to grow it yourself.

84. It doesn't get much better than waking up to the sound of howler monkeys.

85. Not sure what greeting to offer? Just say "Buenas!" no matter the time of day. 

86. Once you've eaten homemade yogurt, you'll never go back.

87. Making your own bread is super easy and totally worth it.

88. Panamanians like to burn things, including all of their land at the end of the dry season. This will wreak havoc on your ability to breathe and may threaten your house. 

89. Don't trust someone just because they're an expat.

90. The recycling containers you see around town are more than likely just colorful trash cans.

91. Always, always, always take the walk and don't be afraid to go further than you think you should. But see #17!

92. There is still such a thing as a deserted beach in Panama...there may also be couples who don't expect you to be there.

93. Regardless of how you feel about Elon Musk, Starlink is GLORIOUS.

94. It can ALWAYS be worse.

95. Panamanians are extremely patriotic and express their love of country by using fireworks. A lot of fireworks. Your ability to sleep peacefully is secondary to their patriotism.

96. Holidays in Panama don't just happen on a single day—they cluster together to create entire holiday months. This is both a blessing (time off) and a curse (everything is closed).

97. There is no set minimum wage here. Pay a local worker more than the customary $3–$5/hour and prepare for some people (both locals and expats) to berate you for ruining the great deal.

98. In the country, dogs and cats aren't really considered pets—they're tools. They roam free, eat when they can find food, and sleep wherever. If you plan to treat your dog like a family member, prepare for bewildered looks.

99. Punctuality is not a Panamanian value. Being late isn't rude here; it's just the baseline. If someone actually shows up on time, consider it a minor miracle.

100. There's no home mail delivery in Panama. Addresses are basically decoration. In the city, your address is your building name; in the country, it's something like "the small blue house by the water tower." Want mail? Get a postal box with the national postal service. Amazon packages? You'll need a third-party package delivery or storage company.

101. Panamanians have the patience of saints. They'll stand in 3+ hour protests in blistering heat without a complaint.

102. The "honeymoon period" is REAL. Most people's lasts about a year...mine lasted two. Cherish it while it lasts.

103. The frequency of visits from family and friends has a direct relationship to the distance from Tocumen International Airport. Close to the airport? Prepare for constant visitors. Far from it? Enjoy your peace.

104. The challenge of living in Panama is directly impacted by your Spanish-speaking skills. Seriously. Learn the language.

105. Talk to a local before freaking out about a rule. It's probably not actually a rule. Or if it is, it's one nobody follows anyway.

106. There is truth to the common comparison of Naturgy to the mafia. You didn't hear it from me.

107. Panama giveth and Panama taketh away.

108. You can simultaneously love and hate the wind in Panama. This is not a contradiction.

109. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

110. Capitalism is a bigger presence here than in a busy U.S. metropolis. It's everywhere and it's aggressive because the lives of locals and many expats depend on it.

111. Squatters rights are alive and well here and a legit threat to the real estate you think you own. This is one reason some serious characters stay safely ensconced in their expat bubble.

112. The animal rescue folks (with the huge hearts) are quietly and constantly plotting. You will not escape their clutches. Surrender now.

113. Flights do NOT have to originate or end up in Panama in order to get your 25% jubilado discount. This is a game-changer if you're a retiree.

114. Saving money now may cost you more money in the future. Sometimes the cheap option is actually the expensive option.

115. Your high level of competence back home will probably not ever fully translate here.

116. If you're a good person, life here will flood you with empathy toward immigrants back home.

117. Posts like this are hard to find with all the glossiness out there. Real, honest, unfiltered takes on expat life are rarer than you'd think.

If I knew then what I know now...

These "little" lessons taught me SO much...if only I could tell my pre-expat self what I know now!